Dear Buddha- obviously ALIVE! I am not one to oursource my social media identity to the undertakers. BUT please allow me to recount the tribulous tails of my lovely misadventures as my incredibly lucky self is flung across the Pacific ocean inside a supersonic jet.
Lets REWIND... for it is true, I fled the 1st quadrant of the world rather hastily. My insides BURNED with my neglectful watch over Brenton Pressley- BP OIL KING and the consequences of his careless greed. I pulled myself up out of a wrecked attempt at love and directed my energies towards a brand new start. Like a confirmation process without the church, I vowed to fight evil, save the innocent and illuminate the good in this world. There was heaps of undiscovered beauty awaiting on the opposite side- and criminals to boot-- so 180' WEST and into the very HEART of the 6th quadrant I FLEW.
VIETNAM, I arrived and was soon blasting falling cable cars full of Japanese tourists back into the SKY. I rode nightbuses like space ships and saved other buses from crashing down narrow mountain passes. I watched the atrocities of war through my RolliTimeFlex and appreciated the goodness of the people surrounding me. I ate pig brain, animal heart and (alas!) goat amidst the generosity of strangers. I bathed in mud that spewed out of the earth and spoke to people with smiles.
In a FLASH I found myself chasing down a bus across the border of LAOS and flying ahead of time to detonate ordinance still lying unexploded (thankyou oh so powerful graces of the American govt), within the earth small children run across. I absorbed some of the most beautiful energy in the UNIVERSE within this country of simplicity and beautiful people. I was RESCUED from the treacherous current of the slowest moving muddy river I have ever swam in. And---I am still confused by this one.
CAMBODIA welcomed the arrival of my American wallet with gusto. Gladly I spent my scarce dollars in the poorest country I have ever been, and ironically never had I felt so poor! The shallow materialism so prevalent in the West is almost sickening to recall in light of a country that is far too thin. Nearly all of my RESCUES were for the most preventable things. This country needs some social services ASAP! BRING ON the medicine, education and SLAM those child rapists and sex trade ringleaders into a deep dark prison. OR better yet- drop them on PLANET TREMORSA...a hell planet where the oxygen is just thin enough to sustain the most minimal of life-forms and is conveniently located through an inescapable black hole. (...They ought to have 6 new prisoners.) On the bright side, I saw how rich the people were... RICH in persistence, hard work, optimism, dilligence and spirit that follows one of the cruelest regimes ever inflicted by a government on its people in recent times. Their dark history of the Khmer Rouge now resonates with sunshine and the slow determination of marching faithfully forward...making Cambodia a beautiful place.
Weeks later, I was casually strolling across the border of THAILAND and I immediately noticed how everyone wasn't quite so skinny, there were sugary TREATS by the roadside, the luxury of fashion was visible and there were HEAPS more cars compared to the number of motorcycles in the latter countries. In this gorgeous country I decided to take up war against the environmental evilists...Master Monsanto's cronies and the LOGGERHEADS. I raced across mountaintops on motorbikes and placed creating a masterplan for Myanmar on my to-do list. I saved drunken idiots from savage burns at wild beach parties and protected the pockets of good people from sneaky hands while I sunbathed.
Southwards I flew to MALAYSIA where I stranded myself in the Perhentian Islands. Here lies a place where beauty is flaunted in the most wonderful ways. I drank in the sun, the sand, the turtles, fought dragons and made friends with sharks. I dived into vibrant technicolor gardens full of sea creatures and polygons sun-dancing on clam shells. Massive schools of fish ate from the palms of my hands and I floated towards the mainland with a lustful state of mind for this beautiful PLANET <3
The 6th leg of this 6th Quadrant journey brought me to INDONESIA. I stationed myself in Bali and stumbled into many of the calamities earthlings experience due to an unfortunate streak of forgetfulness. The exposed reef wreaked a bloody back as waves scraped me to shore; burning lungs would fill with salt as swells knocked my untalented feet off boards. Alas! Swooping assists were made from the SKY in brilliant flashes of light... towards collapsing fishing boats lost from land...and for endangered surfers swept under currents around the isle; head injuries and broken bones to beat- and beaten at that.
The end of this journey has suddenly grown near...my return to the 1st Quadrant has become inevitable as my wallet has walked off into the walls of guest houses and plates of pad thai. Since superhero's receive the most irregular paychecks...(at least those free of special interests)- and there are far too few of us to unionize- I am returning home to the land of stars and stripes to pursue a globalized view of the American Dream...leading, well, a "common life". Which, I should note, is simply my desire to live and love as the craziest of normal humans do...This flight, I should also note, is flying at high speeds directly towards Los Angeles, USA. Straight to HOLLYWOOD! A land packed with SUPERseeming people...and seemingly the most appropriate place for a SUPERHERO to attempt to blend in...in fact, I'm almost here my friends, wish me luck!
Signing off with love,
I told myself I wouldn't use any of my super powers. I would be like a real earthling... forever subdued to the forces of gravity.
I got a nice beginner surfboard from in a beautiful shade of teal for the nice rental price of $2.75. The super chill Balinese guy with amazing sun drenched hair and was a complete fan of his lifestyle renting boards and selling icy cold Bintang beer out of a red cooler. For the record, I am a full-hearted fan of personal lifestyle fans; I can only hope that everyone is as big a fan of their life as this dude named Baron. In Kuta Beach, Bali clumps of surfboards leaning against trees stretch as far as a gleaming hotel in the distance that looks like a big white Lego. As for the city of Kuta... I had to suppress my initial instincts to fling myself into the sky and ditch this Bali tourist ghetto full of coughing bikes and burly Aussies downing beer before noon... however this place does have 4 great things:
1- Big shiny disco-techs where people can get there dance on even on a Monday night
2-Custom leather and tailor shops on every other side street with wholesale opportunities for the business minded
3- Every kind of cheap spa service imaginable
4- A big wavy beach with a sandy bottom that won't eff your head up when learning how to surf <3
which leads me to...
INSTRUCTIONS FOR EARTHLINGS ON HOW TO SURF
1- Rent the aforementioned board in the most pleasing color to enhance the general aesthetics of your personal experience, note: go BIG!
2- Stare out at the big waves to come and think some ZEN about the ocean and how freaking awesome it is
3- With this positive mindset plunge into the belly of this beast! it's best to do so during any kind of lapse in a set of these big waves...for they simply can't help their own extraordinary lunar energy and ability to consistently knock the crap out of you
4- Paddle. Paddle. Duck. Paddle. PADDLE HARDER! GASP FOR MORE AIR! Spit out the salt. LOOOK TOWARDS THE LIGHT! Get back on that board! PADDLE. PADDLE. FRIGGIN PADDLE HARDER!!!
5- Sit up on that board like a rockstar for getting the hell out there- congratulations! That was tough. Now use your innate psychic powers to predict which wave is gonna be YOURS.
6- Got it? See it? Now PADDLE FORWARD! FASTER FASTER FASTER. (Note: Prepare to miss at least 7 of your psychic waves. Doh. Doh. Doh. Ahhh. paddle paddle. reverse. paddle. reverse. Doh.)
7- NOW... once you feel the wave start to push you and pick up speed, STAND UP! stand up like you just won the LOTTERY! Because you did! You freakin lassoed in a massive wave sent to you from outer space--- and now you are CRUISING high and fly! You are amazing! Feel the wind in your hair and drink in all those sparkles on the sea. Life is brilliant! You are so ZEN RIGHT NOW.
8- Prepare to fall after a second or two.
9- Fall. Repeat steps 3-7.
10- Log about 10,000 hours and you will be an EXPERT! (After 10,000 hours you can be at expert at anything actually.... except perhaps being able to fly and use force-fields against big tornadoes)
If able, fly into the troposphere and get a thunder massage at the closest raincloud.
Meet the help:
SPIDER WOMAN: A webby mastermind for tricky sticky situations. On particularly cloudy days she is capable of weaving webs beyond the stratosphere.
BIRD MAN: The most athletic super hero you never knew who ever was... known for a dyamite badmitton swing
JONKERS: A small robot from the simple friendly planet Robotics who can solve/hack/manipulate/fix/glue/empower anything remotely related to technology. Special note: All robots from Robotics have a 100% success rate in only fighting for the good team (vs. evil of course).
SUPER DATUK: A Malaysian hulk of iron and brain who keeps quiet these days and is basically the all-knowing Charlie within certain special secret circles. He has never lost a game of chess
I went to dolphin land on the northern coast of Bali to listen to the CIA of the sea. These creatures are smart. They are suave. They are beautiful. And if you happened to be a dolphin in a past life, like myself you have the ridiculously amazing pleasure of hearing them gossip the secrets of the sea. Apparently the Octopi are preparing for a revolt against their current leader in the Warm Warm sea. A fascinating potential branch of work if I could only build up the extreme lung capacity necessary for fighting injustice and danger in the deep----or had an air-pack outfitted to my cape.
The roads careen, the babies don't scream, the flies are mean and it's a beautiful scene. Welcome to this tiny island floating in the middle of the 6th quadarant SEAS. Very much it's own despite its incredible openness to the outer world, here is Bali. This land has touted tourism since the early 1900's all the while keeping to their own religious ceremonies and incense filled palm-flower-cracker devotions with a calm fury.
I have a new travel companion. Welcome Tracy, my earth born sister. She is a TREAT.
FLASH FORWARD to scene 1: the skies were a perfect blue, the cliff to the Impossible Bingin Beach was perfectly oh-so steep. A beautiful balinese woman trips on a loose rock, the empty oil barrel she was carrying oh her head throws her off balance and tumbling down to the sharp rocks below. Just kidding of course. In FORWARD TIME I simply kicked the loose rock out of the way and we passed each other with big smiles on the 2' wide precarious cement sloshed stairs. Easy does it.
ROCKY EXPOSED REEF however is NOT an experiential treat. Only an aesthetic treat. Here goes scene 2: The OCEAN: it's magnetic FORCE draws Tracy and I out towards the DEEP WATERS THAT WAIT BEYOND THE REEF'S EDGE. Closer and closer we go, nicks and slips attempting to clue us in along the way. MY CAPE AND RolliTimeFlex FORGOTTEN in the wake of its ALLURE. countdown....3...2...1...TOO CLOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A wave KNOCKS my body backwards and hurls it in a backwards summer assault against the jagged rocks below. RETREAT! RETREAT! I YELL TO TRACY as I find footing upon standing with blood pouring down my back where it appears a LION has just gashed its angry claws. Insert commercial for KEENS FOOTWEAR here: 'The shoe that has the grip for land or sea! Don't you worry we'll protect the knobbiest knees!' Tracy, lucky girl, was OK! I could have been worse. BASH on the EGO. And a nix on flip flops + reef.
The next day I held post as a sky-lifeguard for the MAD SURFERS in the ocean -and prevented a lovely guy from HOLLAND from getting his head gashed open on the said reef. Cloud swoops from the sky into sweet blue tubes and barrels was a DELIGHT!!
Having since fled that rocky alcove to lands of rice fields, volcanoes, lakes and villages... it should be noted that driving in Bali necessitates incredible PSYCHIC POWER when walled in by the man-made automobile. They are crazy.
Sending plenty of love and flower power to your day.
Creatures of the Asianic islands of the 6th quadrant are of prehistoric dispositions and diplomatically despise modern man. However, that is OK. We are the INVADERS. Thus, I listened to the personal grumblings of this cranky monitor lizard for half an hour before spooking him off his rocky perch and musings of banana plantations. He loves bananas.
An exiled Hindu Prince from the Sri Vajaya Empire found himself In what is now Malaysia. This was several hundreds of years ago- perhaps 700. The prince founded a new kingdom and the world came to it. Over the next few hundred years, particularly in the late 1400’s the city of Melaka was the new age center of globlalization, a hot to trot international port, a mega mall melting pot with 84 languages being spoken at once (!); cinnamon, diamonds, sandalwood, smoked fish, silk, tin, pearls, gold, and spices passed through hands like water at the harbormaster’s discretion.What a place! Melaka, Malaysia has one of the most cosmopolitan histories of all time. As time went on the Western nations heard it was golden and great and eventually came in to eff everything up--- first the Portuguese, then the stonewalling Dutch, and last but not least the British who painted the whole town red for budget cuts. Why the mediocre history lesson? Because this is a beautiful country and it took the past to make it that way. Chinese temples, Indian food, Christian churches, Islamic head scarves and welcoming people surround. Now that the year is 2010 and technology is catching the world up with globalization, we see that Melaka, Malaysia was centuries ahead of its time.
What did I do?
FLEW BACK IN TIME SO FAST. I couldn't do anything of course. My powers are useless in the past, but I sat and watched the harbor unfolding before my eyes and watched the moons and suns rise up and down behind Chinese Junks in the Straits of Melaka. It was incredible.
Under the sea
Under the sea
Darling! It's better
Down where it's wetter
In the Perhentian's Islands...it's hard to get better
Oh it's a lovely place
Yes it's a lovely place
A jungle belly on the inside
Pearly sands all around
Got you in a bikini
Got you on the ground
Finds you when you're happy
Dreams with you asleep
Oh the Perhentians!
Yes darling they're for me
It is the brightest place
Shining seas in your face
Squinty eyes wanting to open wide
Water beaming at you so alive
Fishes swarm underneath
Tickling the toes on your feet
A shark goes swimming past
No force field needed, oh alas!
The groove is groovy
The corals are schmoozy
Purple clam lips in the rocks
Gossip out of water drops
The air is oh so languid
Ocean waters the same
Sultry waves wash over you
You like it don't you boo!
It takes somewhere to chill you down
Between the monkey juice and sand
In a place called the Perhentians
To let all your thoughts run around
Let those stones flow into the sea
Let those ideas rest below your knees
Run your worries into the storm
The rain will be over as forewarned
Hang your hang-ups out to dry
Air out your mind by the ocean side
Tumble inside out beneath the waves
Walk onto shore anew today
Oh what a shame to go!
A pleasure however
To walk on land sun-freshed and beaming
Every body sun zapped
Full of lightwaves with meaning
A normal morning... blasting a force field against a tiger who was up to NO GOOD. Followed by LLWAVE + subdued tiger against Mr. Moso's genetically altered and strained cronies who were trekking through Southeast Asia's rice patty fields with their GREED in search of more POWER. The verdict? A big win for Buddha (of course!) -with the orange cuddle ball.
The Full Moon Party on Koh Phangan, Thailand is of epic and absurd portions and proportions. In full DAY GLOW PAINT attendance I danced in the rain and made SAVES left and right and up and down to the clueless, relentlessly happy party goers. For 2 FULL NIGHTS- the pre-party and the full moon party- I was simply forced by duty to party on the beach. (!!!)
I stationed myself beside the absurdly dangerous 20ft long gasoline drenched FLAMING jump rope that was flung in constant rotation by ripped shirtless Thai men on very high platforms--- while below, a vast majority of inebriated white guys attempted to jump rope for the first time since elementary school. A clinic was also located on the beach in order to promptly respond to the expected burn counts. It was LUDICROUS and incredibly fascinating to watch.
A bucket of red-bull vodka in one hand and my RolliTimeFlex in my other I made some incredibly lucky saves, the most potentially gruesome was when a big dude from England tripped on the rope, got it caught between his legs and instead of falling off to the side- fell FORWARD directly onto the burning flames. This is the part where he would end up with permanent scars on the side of his face, hands, and especially around his legs except for the fact that I could see this all coming of course and allowed him to fall just closely enough to singe off some leg hair before BLASTING this English guy in hot pink party shorts off to the side with a FORCE FIELD sent from the FUTURE. This is my favorite way of making saves I must say. When I’m feeling lazy I save myself the trip of actually flying faster than light into FORWARD TIME and instead calmly wait for an on-site current-time rescue. However, I was feeling especially HIGH-ENERGY with the MOONLIGHT from night 1 and the RAIN from night 2 that I was in a CONSTANT MOTION of RACING into TIME and pausing to compose quite THEATRICAL force field effects to compliment the atmosphere of the evening. These included wonderful ROTHKO-esque COLOR FIELD blasts in fuzzy rectangular shapes, powdery gold glitter blasts that seemed to have just thrown themselves up from a Santogold album cover, spearmint scented smoke blasts, and so forth.
Day GLOW paint washed itself on and off of the thousands of bodies pounding on the sand in response to this well oiled supply chain of beautiful island brings travelers, the travelers like moonlight and parties, they bring money, that spend it on cheap liquor drinks served in sandcastle buckets, neon branded attire, jars of paint, and street foods selling donuts, cold pad-thai and oily spring rolls to keep themselves fueled. All the while an omniscient choreographer has amassed huge speakers that fluctuate between various high energy pop songs fading in and out of each other for hundreds of feet down the beach.
In the morning a wide tractor type of apparatus comes to sweep up all of the TRAGIC LITTER that coats the formerly beautiful beach; it also kicks off the last group of hard core dancers who are still going strong at 9am when I returned to check pulses and take amusing photographs of those special individuals who lay plastered across the sand in motionless conviction that they were indeed in bed.
A successful night! A beautiful night! TWO beautiful nights! People are wonderful, funny, stupid, happy, creative, smart, repressed, delightful, exciteful, beautiful creatures.
Now. To MALAYSIA! (A taxi, a night ferry, a taxi, a terrible mini-bus, a better mini-bus- my current state- soon to be on another taxi, etc.) My 2 week visa for THAILAND expires in a matter of hours. Thank you Thailand for your beautiful land and people, but I would please like to return those extra pounds from 14 days of eating delicious sugar and spiced food.