I told myself I wouldn't use any of my super powers. I would be like a real earthling... forever subdued to the forces of gravity.
I got a nice beginner surfboard from in a beautiful shade of teal for the nice rental price of $2.75. The super chill Balinese guy with amazing sun drenched hair and was a complete fan of his lifestyle renting boards and selling icy cold Bintang beer out of a red cooler. For the record, I am a full-hearted fan of personal lifestyle fans; I can only hope that everyone is as big a fan of their life as this dude named Baron. In Kuta Beach, Bali clumps of surfboards leaning against trees stretch as far as a gleaming hotel in the distance that looks like a big white Lego. As for the city of Kuta... I had to suppress my initial instincts to fling myself into the sky and ditch this Bali tourist ghetto full of coughing bikes and burly Aussies downing beer before noon... however this place does have 4 great things:
1- Big shiny disco-techs where people can get there dance on even on a Monday night
2-Custom leather and tailor shops on every other side street with wholesale opportunities for the business minded
3- Every kind of cheap spa service imaginable
4- A big wavy beach with a sandy bottom that won't eff your head up when learning how to surf <3
which leads me to...
INSTRUCTIONS FOR EARTHLINGS ON HOW TO SURF
1- Rent the aforementioned board in the most pleasing color to enhance the general aesthetics of your personal experience, note: go BIG!
2- Stare out at the big waves to come and think some ZEN about the ocean and how freaking awesome it is
3- With this positive mindset plunge into the belly of this beast! it's best to do so during any kind of lapse in a set of these big waves...for they simply can't help their own extraordinary lunar energy and ability to consistently knock the crap out of you
4- Paddle. Paddle. Duck. Paddle. PADDLE HARDER! GASP FOR MORE AIR! Spit out the salt. LOOOK TOWARDS THE LIGHT! Get back on that board! PADDLE. PADDLE. FRIGGIN PADDLE HARDER!!!
5- Sit up on that board like a rockstar for getting the hell out there- congratulations! That was tough. Now use your innate psychic powers to predict which wave is gonna be YOURS.
6- Got it? See it? Now PADDLE FORWARD! FASTER FASTER FASTER. (Note: Prepare to miss at least 7 of your psychic waves. Doh. Doh. Doh. Ahhh. paddle paddle. reverse. paddle. reverse. Doh.)
7- NOW... once you feel the wave start to push you and pick up speed, STAND UP! stand up like you just won the LOTTERY! Because you did! You freakin lassoed in a massive wave sent to you from outer space--- and now you are CRUISING high and fly! You are amazing! Feel the wind in your hair and drink in all those sparkles on the sea. Life is brilliant! You are so ZEN RIGHT NOW.
8- Prepare to fall after a second or two.
9- Fall. Repeat steps 3-7.
10- Log about 10,000 hours and you will be an EXPERT! (After 10,000 hours you can be at expert at anything actually.... except perhaps being able to fly and use force-fields against big tornadoes)
If able, fly into the troposphere and get a thunder massage at the closest raincloud.
Meet the help:
SPIDER WOMAN: A webby mastermind for tricky sticky situations. On particularly cloudy days she is capable of weaving webs beyond the stratosphere.
BIRD MAN: The most athletic super hero you never knew who ever was... known for a dyamite badmitton swing
JONKERS: A small robot from the simple friendly planet Robotics who can solve/hack/manipulate/fix/glue/empower anything remotely related to technology. Special note: All robots from Robotics have a 100% success rate in only fighting for the good team (vs. evil of course).
SUPER DATUK: A Malaysian hulk of iron and brain who keeps quiet these days and is basically the all-knowing Charlie within certain special secret circles. He has never lost a game of chess
I went to dolphin land on the northern coast of Bali to listen to the CIA of the sea. These creatures are smart. They are suave. They are beautiful. And if you happened to be a dolphin in a past life, like myself you have the ridiculously amazing pleasure of hearing them gossip the secrets of the sea. Apparently the Octopi are preparing for a revolt against their current leader in the Warm Warm sea. A fascinating potential branch of work if I could only build up the extreme lung capacity necessary for fighting injustice and danger in the deep----or had an air-pack outfitted to my cape.
The roads careen, the babies don't scream, the flies are mean and it's a beautiful scene. Welcome to this tiny island floating in the middle of the 6th quadarant SEAS. Very much it's own despite its incredible openness to the outer world, here is Bali. This land has touted tourism since the early 1900's all the while keeping to their own religious ceremonies and incense filled palm-flower-cracker devotions with a calm fury.
I have a new travel companion. Welcome Tracy, my earth born sister. She is a TREAT.
FLASH FORWARD to scene 1: the skies were a perfect blue, the cliff to the Impossible Bingin Beach was perfectly oh-so steep. A beautiful balinese woman trips on a loose rock, the empty oil barrel she was carrying oh her head throws her off balance and tumbling down to the sharp rocks below. Just kidding of course. In FORWARD TIME I simply kicked the loose rock out of the way and we passed each other with big smiles on the 2' wide precarious cement sloshed stairs. Easy does it.
ROCKY EXPOSED REEF however is NOT an experiential treat. Only an aesthetic treat. Here goes scene 2: The OCEAN: it's magnetic FORCE draws Tracy and I out towards the DEEP WATERS THAT WAIT BEYOND THE REEF'S EDGE. Closer and closer we go, nicks and slips attempting to clue us in along the way. MY CAPE AND RolliTimeFlex FORGOTTEN in the wake of its ALLURE. countdown....3...2...1...TOO CLOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A wave KNOCKS my body backwards and hurls it in a backwards summer assault against the jagged rocks below. RETREAT! RETREAT! I YELL TO TRACY as I find footing upon standing with blood pouring down my back where it appears a LION has just gashed its angry claws. Insert commercial for KEENS FOOTWEAR here: 'The shoe that has the grip for land or sea! Don't you worry we'll protect the knobbiest knees!' Tracy, lucky girl, was OK! I could have been worse. BASH on the EGO. And a nix on flip flops + reef.
The next day I held post as a sky-lifeguard for the MAD SURFERS in the ocean -and prevented a lovely guy from HOLLAND from getting his head gashed open on the said reef. Cloud swoops from the sky into sweet blue tubes and barrels was a DELIGHT!!
Having since fled that rocky alcove to lands of rice fields, volcanoes, lakes and villages... it should be noted that driving in Bali necessitates incredible PSYCHIC POWER when walled in by the man-made automobile. They are crazy.
Sending plenty of love and flower power to your day.
Creatures of the Asianic islands of the 6th quadrant are of prehistoric dispositions and diplomatically despise modern man. However, that is OK. We are the INVADERS. Thus, I listened to the personal grumblings of this cranky monitor lizard for half an hour before spooking him off his rocky perch and musings of banana plantations. He loves bananas.
An exiled Hindu Prince from the Sri Vajaya Empire found himself In what is now Malaysia. This was several hundreds of years ago- perhaps 700. The prince founded a new kingdom and the world came to it. Over the next few hundred years, particularly in the late 1400’s the city of Melaka was the new age center of globlalization, a hot to trot international port, a mega mall melting pot with 84 languages being spoken at once (!); cinnamon, diamonds, sandalwood, smoked fish, silk, tin, pearls, gold, and spices passed through hands like water at the harbormaster’s discretion.What a place! Melaka, Malaysia has one of the most cosmopolitan histories of all time. As time went on the Western nations heard it was golden and great and eventually came in to eff everything up--- first the Portuguese, then the stonewalling Dutch, and last but not least the British who painted the whole town red for budget cuts. Why the mediocre history lesson? Because this is a beautiful country and it took the past to make it that way. Chinese temples, Indian food, Christian churches, Islamic head scarves and welcoming people surround. Now that the year is 2010 and technology is catching the world up with globalization, we see that Melaka, Malaysia was centuries ahead of its time.
What did I do?
FLEW BACK IN TIME SO FAST. I couldn't do anything of course. My powers are useless in the past, but I sat and watched the harbor unfolding before my eyes and watched the moons and suns rise up and down behind Chinese Junks in the Straits of Melaka. It was incredible.
Under the sea
Under the sea
Darling! It's better
Down where it's wetter
In the Perhentian's Islands...it's hard to get better
Oh it's a lovely place
Yes it's a lovely place
A jungle belly on the inside
Pearly sands all around
Got you in a bikini
Got you on the ground
Finds you when you're happy
Dreams with you asleep
Oh the Perhentians!
Yes darling they're for me
It is the brightest place
Shining seas in your face
Squinty eyes wanting to open wide
Water beaming at you so alive
Fishes swarm underneath
Tickling the toes on your feet
A shark goes swimming past
No force field needed, oh alas!
The groove is groovy
The corals are schmoozy
Purple clam lips in the rocks
Gossip out of water drops
The air is oh so languid
Ocean waters the same
Sultry waves wash over you
You like it don't you boo!
It takes somewhere to chill you down
Between the monkey juice and sand
In a place called the Perhentians
To let all your thoughts run around
Let those stones flow into the sea
Let those ideas rest below your knees
Run your worries into the storm
The rain will be over as forewarned
Hang your hang-ups out to dry
Air out your mind by the ocean side
Tumble inside out beneath the waves
Walk onto shore anew today
Oh what a shame to go!
A pleasure however
To walk on land sun-freshed and beaming
Every body sun zapped
Full of lightwaves with meaning
A normal morning... blasting a force field against a tiger who was up to NO GOOD. Followed by LLWAVE + subdued tiger against Mr. Moso's genetically altered and strained cronies who were trekking through Southeast Asia's rice patty fields with their GREED in search of more POWER. The verdict? A big win for Buddha (of course!) -with the orange cuddle ball.